True Life: I'm A Hater
*This is a brain dump/rant, so please bear with me*
This is going to be a tough one to discuss, but I thought now would be a good time, since we're rounding up the year. So let's start with a little story:
I've always been an "overachiever", I've always been that person that people looked up to, not necessarily because of my character, but because of my accomplishments. I can't count the amount of times that people have told me how "great" I am and how they wish they could be like me. Of course, I took those kind of statements for what they were and automatically got wrapped up in those titles and accolades. What I was involved in and the things I was doing defined me. Well, graduation came along and I didn't have my dream job at BBC or at Africare and guys, I was CRUSHED. Never mind the fact that I had gotten into my dream school for grad school, nope, I was still a failure. Or at least, that's what I told myself. Anyways, going through Instagram and Facebook was definitely tough because every other person was "making it" and I wasn't. Now I'm not proud to admit it, but if we are being honest with ourselves, we've all done it.
On the surface, I have and had EVERY reason to be a hater:
I didn't grown up in a cookie cutter home
I'm not the standard of beauty
I've been overlooked
I've been rejected
I told myself that the only way to "fight" being a hater was to change myself, according to my terms.
I talked myself into being this person that I wasn't. An angrier, quieter, more accepting person. I did all this because I thought that's what I was doing wrong. Maybe it was something wrong with me. Maybe it was all my fault, and if I changed myself to be more like ______ then I could have their life; I would be happier and find that joy that I had been chasing so hard (and telling you guys to "choose")
What it boiled down to was this: I was ungrateful. I spent my time looking at other people's lives and not worrying about mine and being thankful for it. I spent more time living in "The New Eyek", the person I always imagined myself as. This New Eyek was prettier, always got what she wanted, and never made mistakes. This obsession with being this person often left me drained and anxious. Chasing this New Eyek made me forget about my problems, but did not help me deal with them.
Unfortunately guys, I don't have a solution for this one, because I'm still working through it. Looking forward to the year ahead, where I will be all about self-reflection and calling myself out on my crap.
Thanks for reading
What do you plan on working on in 2017?
*Post Photosource: @effyourbeautystandards (Instagram)- you should follow them!)