Hey guys, I know that I promised to spill the tea on black soap, but that will just have to wait until next week. Over the past few weeks I have felt conflicted about a lot of things. To a great degree, this conflict has been about the direction of this website. I really can't believe that it has been almost four months since I started this blog and I am so amazed at how far it has come. I'm grateful for this learning experience and definitely glad that I didn't drop that course last fall semester after all.
The past few days have been challenging and quite honestly tough to get through, speaking from an emotional and spiritual perspective. For one, this past Sunday marks one year since my worst nightmare came true. Those of you reading this that know me or my family personally know what I'm talking about and although I'm not ready to share details now, I'm hoping that one day I will be.
As graduation from undergrad is approaching, I've really had to take a good look at how far I've come since I walked on to my college campus four years ago. It's absolutely remarkable my growth and I give full credit and glory to God for my journey and the amazing (as well as the messy) people that he used to force me to grow. I can also assure you that where I am right now is most certainly not where I thought I would be. In short, I never imagined my life to be the way that it is now. I am by no means saying that my life is horrible, it just...wasn't what I planned.
With that said, I have had to really evaluate everything around me- my friends, my choices, and most especially my shortcomings. I've had to really sit and think about what I have or have not been doing up until this point and what I can do for the next chapter of my life to make it that much better. I have realized that a complete detox is completely necessary. Now, as I'm writing this, I haven't come up with a concrete game plan, but hey, I've got some ideas.
Initially, I felt bad about this detox. I thought about all the "history" I had with people and habits I had in my life and I just didn't want to let go of them.
The first step was checking myself. I really had to and still have to think about the things about me that are hindering me from success. Without a doubt, the biggest thing keeping me from moving forward has been fear. When I tell you guys, it took everything in me to start and stay consistent with AfrikanRising, I mean it. And that's not to say that I was concerned about the quality or content, I was afraid that I would fail, that people (my family) wouldn't like it, or that I would in some way or another miss the mark.
For too long, I have told myself that I have a right to be afraid. The truth is that I have dreams that I know will come to pass, but if they don't come soon enough, I start to doubt, and I start to question whether my hopes and dreams are valid. To make matters worse, I don't do well with failure, I don't do well with disappointments and whenever these inevitable instances occur, I am often devastated. When I fail and fall short, I feel ashamed and I always, ALWAYS criticize myself in ways that just aren't constructive.
I've allowed fear and disappointment to put me into a box and keep me from moving forward. I've been in this place for too long and it's time to break free. (Trust me, that is the most cliche thing I will ever say on this blog)
As a graduating senior, this is one of the most terrifying and exciting times of my life. I have to start forging paths by myself, without my parents and without the guidance of a professor or roommate. I'm sure if you are going through a transition in life right you're now probably in the same boat as I am. You probably find yourself thinking "What in the hell am I doing with my life?". I'll say this to you (and to myself) YOU CAN get through this, YOU CAN do what you been dreaming about.YOU CAN watch your dreams and desires materialize and watch as God surpasses what you had in mind. And you will.
As always, thanks for reading!