Hey Beautiful people!
I hope you all are doing well. I know it has been a while- well not really that long but I got so used to the routine of posting every Tuesday that it felt so weird not having a post up this past Tuesday. Major shoutout to you all for reading my blog, loving my blog, and for all of your feedback. The support has truly been overwhelming, so thanks so much.
I think I'm at the point in this blogging "journey" where I can get a bit more personal. As I mentioned in my "Turning Points" post, I am very reserved when it comes to sharing things about me, but like I said, you and I are past the formalities so let's go a little deeper today.
About two weeks ago, I graduated from Undergrad and it still feels surreal, it hasn't set in yet. I think a huge part of it not setting in is the fact that I'm going right back to school in the August so technically the ongoing beef I have with school continues.
Okay back to the subject at hand. Leading up to my graduation and since then, I have been feeling very weighed down. If I have not shared this already, my favorite activity after talking and going to Sephora is worrying. I worry about everything. I overthink everything. I am concerned about EVERYTHING. Guys, I am the type of person who actively seeks out things to worry about. When my mind is free of concern, I will always find a way to find something to worry about. Of course awareness is the first step to fixing a problem, but let's save that for another post, shall we?
This past week, I really had to sit and think about why I had felt weighed down. I quickly realized that I spent most of my time either complaining, thinking about "problems" in my life, comparing myself to others and just generally stressing over things and people who are as I now know, not worth the stress.
In case this was not already obvious, life is not easy. Things come up that you don't expect, or there may be an ongoing battle that just won't let up. Unfortunately for me, I thought that if I prayed hard enough, I would never face troubles. I thought that those who went through tough times had offended God in some way so all I had to do was cross my T's and dot my I's and I would be good to go. Unfortunately I was wrong.
In my last post, I talked briefly about losing my brother and how that became my excuse for making terrible choices with my physical health. I also allowed this tragedy to take a huge toll on my mental health.
My brother was and still is my favorite person in the world. *Sidenote* Multiple people mentioned that I did not "talk that much about him" when he was here on Earth, so they didn't understand why I was so sad about his passing...Like who says that? (the thing is still paining me oh!) Anyways, I was and still am low key (actually high-key) obsessed with my baby bro.
When my brother passed away, I literally told myself that my life was over. I told myself and I truly believed that there was no point of living because I couldn't live without him. I thought that I would never be happy again, and for so long, I believed it. It didn't help that I did not share my feelings with anyone because I didn't want to burden them with my problems. In general, that is the type of person I am.
To make matters worse, there were a bunch of other complicated things going on in my life and I thought back to all the times I had offended a random person and I wondered whether God was trying to get back at me. I spent the days and nights following my brother's passing praying that those who I offended would forgive me so that my life would be "good" again, so that my brother would come back to me. I carried this load wondering what I had done wrong and I blamed myself quite a bit for everything that was going on.
Although I don't talk in great detail about religion, I try to talk about God. We most certainly have had a tumultuous relationship to say the least. Growing up "in the church" I was often told that life was supposed to be perfect, I was told that "bad" things happen only to "bad" people. It has not been until recently that I have discovered that it's actually in a lot of ways the opposite. The perfect example of that was Jesus Christ. He was literally perfect; God in the flesh, yet on the day he died, his enemies were laughing at him, his family to a great degree was in disarray and quite frankly, all hope was lost.
Although now we know how the story "ends" but it still doesn't change the fact that no one is immune from troubles.
Losing my brother taught me a lot of things and is still teaching me things that I tried to ignore. If it wasn't for his passing, I wouldn't have believed in the fact that Earth is not where our story ends, I wouldn't have realized just how many people feel obligated to me and don't truly care about me, and I most importantly wouldn't have learned that through weakness, strength can and will come forth (the second most cliche thing I will ever say on here). No but seriously, if I hadn't been that low, I wouldn't be where I am at this moment, writing this post.
I took a lot to get back on track but I knew I had to get myself together because what exactly was my alternative? I had to remind myself of how good God is and has been, I had to remind myself that living in defeat is NOT the wave, I had to remind myself that I am after all Lady E, and Lady E can't stay down for long.
Guys, troubles will come, they are inevitable. Family problems, financial dips, breaks up, all of that will come. Sometimes there is not going to be someone available to encourage you or be a shoulder to cry on. When that is the case, of course if you are spiritual, go to God first and then be there for yourself.
Whether people are there for you or not, you absolutely must make the decision to choose joy. Now I'm not saying that the moment you find out bad news that you should laugh and smile because at the end of the day, you are a human being. What I'm saying is that you have to make the conscious decision to not let it weigh you down. I'm sure you're thinking "yeah that's easier said then done" and of course it is. Everyday is a battle to have a positive outlook and sometimes we will lose that battle but thank God that we have the opportunity to seek joy. We don't have to live defeated for long, that is of course if we make the choice not to.
Thanks so much for reading.