New Year New Me: Forgiveness
20+ days into 2017 and although I don't have a game plan for the year, I certainly have goals and desires. Although a lot of the goals have to do with the blog and my other projects, I thought it would be a good idea to set some goals to improve my personal life. If you remember, I wrote a list of things I wanted to achieve in my 22nd year of life and one of them was calling myself out on my crap. As much as I love self-reflection, it still is a difficult process. What is even more difficult is gauging whether I’m being reflective, or overly critical. For a person like me, that’shard to tell because I really do go in on myself. Okay so now that the heavy stuff is out of the way, let’s get to why we’re all here..
When thinking through the areas of my life that needed improvement, I decided that I wanted to tackle the most difficult one first. Personally for me, I have to go one by one, but if you're more of the multi-tasker, definitely gofor it. Without having to think too hard, I knew what my biggest issue was: forgiveness (or lack thereof). One drawback of having a really good memory, especially long term is that I often find myself recalling situations or incidents from even as far back as 15 years ago. A lot of times, this not only reawakens pain or frustration, it also further validates my unwillingness to forgive. The most painful aspect of forgiving is the fact that there are some people who just don't care. They're just not sorry and so they see no need to apologize. For me, that is the most difficult offense to forgive. Nonetheless, I finally feel like it’s necessary to forgive.
Not forgiving has always been a sort of comfort for me. It often served as a reminder that there are “worse” people out there. Back then (literally a month ago), it didn't feel as heavy as it does now and I’m just really ready to let go.
Now before moving forward, I want to remind you guys of a few things: it’s okay if you're not ready to forgive and it’s also okay if you are.
Let’s first define forgiveness:
Forgiveness- the intentional and voluntary process by which a victim undergoes a change in feelings and attitude regarding an offense, lets go of negative emotions such as vengefulness, with an increased ability to wish the offender well.
Now of course, as a (struggling) Christian, I can give you all kinds of verses from the bible about forgiving and why it’s necessary. At first, reading such verses felt patronizing and I told myself that it was just another way of God trying to “control” me (I know it sounds dramatic). I now know based on my personal experiences why God has been (literally) nagging about this whole forgiveness thing. Remember how I was just talking about feeling “weighed down”? What used to feel so right, now makes my skin crawl. Not forgiving is a burden that the victim often carries, not the person who committed the offense. As the saying goes “holding onto anger is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die”.
I’m not saying it’s easy though. I am currently President of the Petty Society and it’s hard for me to not take jabs at people who have offended me. I’m learning though, that it’s not a mental thing, it has to be a heart thing. It’s about having a change of heart.
So anyways, here is what I plan to do:
Write a list of people and situations that I have not gotten over.
Go one by one, think about, and write what they did to me and why I can’t let go.
Hold myself accountable overtime
Pray. Pray. PRAY!
You know, sometimes ( a lot of times) I’m not going to be able to come on here and give you guys the solution A lot of times, I’m working towards the solution myself. While trying to refocus what this blog is about, I had to remind myself that although I want to help you, although I always want to have the solution, sometimes I’m not going to have it and we’re just going to have to work through it together. Whoa, I never thought I could be this corny but…. here we are.
Thanks for reading
*Sidenote*: My heart is so full with gratitude as I think about all of the support I’ve received over the past(almost) year. I don't want to get all mushy, but I love you guys, I really, really, do.
Thanks so much for the support and when I finally meet Obama, I’ll tell him about you. ;)
*What are you planning on working on/letting go of in 2017?* Please share below!