Here's The Tea: Losing Focus
“What are you doing to make a difference in this world?” The exact words that stood out to me as I read my morning devotional. Let’s not talk about the fact that I hadn't picked it up in WEEKS, but for some reason, today, I did.
And to answer that question, I feel like I’m not doing anything.
Without spilling all my tea, I’ll say this: I’m kind of at a crossroad. I’m realizing more and more that my priorities are just not in check. Literally everything I pursue is focused on how I can make money or benefit from it personally. Have you ever been in one of those spaces where you’re constantly checking yourself and you literally get tired of your zamn self? Yeah, that’s where I’m at. Last night, I stayed up literally telling myself that I was a failure for like four hours. I try so hard to make other people’s success stories my source of inspiration, but usually, it just ends up putting pressure on me.
I’m passionate about a lot of things: talking, writing, make-up, music, making people laugh, buying gifts, listening to people, helping people, eating, arguing about basically everything, etc. Despite these passions, I have literally convinced myself that the only wayI can truly enjoy doing the above things is if there is some sort of personal gain or even worse: if people recognize me for it.
So on one end, I don't care what people think, but on the other, I care, I especially care that people think good things about me..all the time, which is nearly impossible.
To make matters worse, I’m constantly comparing myself to others. Every time I get on instagram or twitter, and I see one or another person I look up to living “the life”, I literally say out loud “Eyek, do you see what others are doing?”
People who I once looked to for inspiration are now the people that are making me feel like a failure. (How does that work?)
If I’m being honest, what’s even more upsetting is seeing people who may not be as passionate, or as genuine moving forward in fields that I’ve been working in or participating in for YEARS. It makes mequestion everything, including my purpose.
As I’m writing this, I now realize that I am really hard on myself. No one puts as much pressure on me as I do on myself. I’m constantly in a state of needing to be perfect, and never making mistakes, just because I think that those are the things that make me valuable. The saddest thing about the amount of pressure I put on myself is this: it’s not even because of what people think.
The people that matter to me think I’m bomb af and they really don't ask for too much.
So if that’s the case, why am I ALWAYS doing this to myself.
I have a lot of dreams and goals (as do you) and sometimes it’s hard to deal with not knowing how to get there, or not getting there at the pace that I would like.
I’m not going to lie though, I’m still in my feelings. I’m still feeling super down. I’m kind of upset at myself for not reaching my goals at my pace, but I’m even more upset at myself for being so hard on myself. You know what I mean?
In all of this though, I’ve realized a few things.
1.)Self- loathing is unproductive. You literally can’t get anything done if you’re looking at your shortcomings or the fact that you're not as “successful” as you would like to be. When you're beating yourself up, you don't have time to create a game plan,orresearch about how to make your plans come to life. You also won’t even be able to pray. Trust, I’ve tried and all I’ve been able to do is tell God all the things that God is doing wrong.
2.) Self-loathing makes you even angrier. If you were upset about not meeting a deadline or not being there for someone, you're going to start thinking and talking about other things you did wrong and you're just going to be angry all the time.
3.)Self-Loathing is a distraction. Whether you're spiritual or not, the fact is that there are really evil things out there. For me, I feel that the devil uses things we struggle with to keep us from seeing the big picture, and most importantly the great things going on in our lives.
4.) Everything has atime and place, you have to be patient with the journey. Yes there are a lot of people on 30 Under 30, or who make Forbes list every year, but there’s really more to life than that. Also if Forbes List is your meter of success then you need to reevaluate your ideas of success.
Despite these epiphanies, will Eyek, actually take her own advice? Find out on the next episode of “Here’s The Tea”.
*Any tips or advice for getting past this rough spot? I’m open to all “legal” suggestions.*
**Also, what should I talk about on the blog next?**