These days, I feel like I’ve been editing older posts. I think that’s because I’m finally ready to be completely and totally honest about who I am and about my struggles, and most importantly, on MY TERMS. So let’s get started.
1.) I’m lazy and gross
2.) I have low self- esteem
3.) I have no standards (especially in regards to dating and major life choices)
4.) I am a warm, huggable person (Mammy)
I’m not saying I’m not, but don’t just assume that because I look “motherly” or “cuddly”, that you can just walk up to me and start touching up on me.
5.) I can’t wear certain things
For years, I didn’t wear jeans or bright colored pants because I didn’t want to “draw attention” to myself. Also I believed in the whole thing about certain colors and patterns making me look "fat". NEWSFLASH: I am fat.
6.) I’ll never get married/be worthy of love, unless I lose weight.
In the words of my maternal grandmother, “it’s not just the face he’s ‘eating'”. Basically her point was, even if you have a pretty face, no man is going to marry you because you’re still fat after all, and of course, no one wants so marry a fat person. So we’re not going to take into account other factors like values, personality, lifestyle, etc? We’re just going to view marriage as something people should do if they find each other physically appealing? Ok cool. Also: there are worse things in the world than not being married so idk what all this hype is about.
It actually felt (and sometimes still does) like a badge of shame. This definitely was the most painful thing I heard and the aftermath is still challenging. It also made me place my value in what people thought about me, especially men that I’m attracted to.
I honestly believed almost all of those things. It didn’t take much, I just..did. I very rarely said those things to myself- i didn’t have to. I internalized them, and it was reflected in my life, sadly. What I internalized affected my view on myself and my view of other people. There were points that I literally HATED people that were seen as generally “desirable” just because of that. I never really said nice things to myself, and that’s how I interacted with people. If you hate yourself, you’re going to project it onto the people. While I was hearing all these horrible stuff, I did have a few people that constantly reminded me of how lit I am. Despite their words of affirmation, it just wasn’t enough. I still hated myself. There was a point, I couldn’t look in the mirror for too long, because I was just so angry with my looks.
As I’m still working through it though, I’ve learned so much. Self- esteem is so important and I really need you to keep these things in mind, in order to improve your self-esteem.
1.) Address the beef you have with yourself
What is it that you don’t like about yourself and why?
2.) Love ALL of you! Not just your face or your butt..if that’s where it starts, then that’s okay.
3.) Place value on your unique gifts and talents
4.) Don’t be afraid to gas yourself
5.) Give yourself time
6.) Hold yourself accountable, always
7.) Affirmations, affirmations, affirmations!
8.) It’s about you!
Stop waiting for a lover or friend to make you “feel” what you deserve to feel. Let me repeat that: DON’T YOU DARE wait for anyone to make you feel how you deserve to feel. Don’t give anyone that kind of power over you. Ever. It’s so much easier said than done, but you have to keep this at the forefront of your mind. This one is really tough and I’m open to anyone who would want to talk about it.