The Art of Self-Destruction
I thought about making this into a video, but I think this will be more therapeutic for me. We all have our vices, the things we struggle with and are addicted to, For me, it’s self destruction. I’m addicted to messing up good things in my life. Recently, it took a very humbling situation to make me realize that I’ve hit rock bottom.
I try not to make everything about dating, but this is applicable to where I’m going, so just bear with me. So...there is (or maybe “was”) a guy. He’s cool, nice, authentic, funny, and a little too good to be true. At least that’s what I told myself. Although we generally spent hours talking and getting to know each other, at the back of my mind, I couldn’t stop telling myself “Eyek, this is too good to true” or “Eyek, he’s just using you”. I’m actually ashamed to go into much more detail because 1.) You guys will literally be shocked if I tell you what I said and did to him and 2.) I’m constantly telling you to love yourself and believe that you deserve good things, but I can’t even take my own advice.
Anyways, long story short: I did what I do best: I blew it. Another case of me overthinking things, and ruining perfectly good situations.
I told my sister what happened and in between trying not to strangle me, she made clear that even she was fed up with me. She literally looked exasperated. She gave me the “I’m really done with you this time” look and that’s when I knew that things were bad.
I started thinking about other situations in my life; opportunities I didn’t pursue and dreams that I subdued because I was afraid of getting hurt. I was afraid of failing. I just knew that it wouldn’t work out for me, because….I’m me (ouch, right?).
I honestly can’t pinpoint one specific situation that has made me like this, but I can say this: I’m a naturally skeptical person, especially when it comes to “good” things. That’s why for example, my relationship with God is so screwed up. I have this expectation that God will fit my mold, and do what I want, and when God doesn’t, I’m wrecked. I never want to do my part, but I expect God and other people to do theirs. My reasoning (actually, my excuse) is simple: how do I know that God has good things in store for me? I can’t even see God, talk less of hear from God.
Everyone keeps telling me to be more “vulnerable” and more “open”. I hear them, but I also have to consider this: I’m the only person that I trust completely. Even with the very crappy things about me and my obsession with messing things up, I still know that I can count on me. I’ve never let myself down, even when I hurt myself, I always do what I expect myself to do.
Naturally, I try to get to the "why" of things. Why do I do the things I do? I still have no idea, to be honest.
Could it be that I have ulterior motives? Could it be that I just assume that everyone is like me? I'veforgone so many beautiful things, people, opportunities for growth, you name it, for what? I spend so much time focusing on protecting myself and not getting hurt, and sadly, I still get hurt; I hurt myself.
My self-destructive behavior, I now know is rooted in fear. I am an extremely sensitive person, and a person that feels things very deeply, so to protect myself, I keep things surface level, I don’t get too invested and I always, always, ALWAYS have the expectation that I’m going to screw it up.
I’m kind of fed up though. And I’m also miserable. How many wonderful things will I use my hand (well, mostly my mouth) to destroy before I realize that I’m the reason why I keep losing every good thing in my life? How many times will I push something under the rug and say “welp, it wasn’t meant to be” before I realize that I’m the one wasting my time and my life? I want to fight this self-destruction, but like any addiction, it not easy. Can you relate?
I don’t want to get too deep, as this is the introductory post, but in due time, we’ll go deeper, and hopefully, things will get better.
Thanks for reading. Love you. Bye.